Have you ever lost your dreams? Have you ever tried to dream, but felt you had no future?
Sometime around 2015 I stopped having dreams and making plans. I did plan things — birthdays, Christmas, vacations. But those were things I had to do. I’m talking about dreams for where I wanted to go in my nursing career, dreams on what the future would look like for my kids, dreams on how I would spend my retirement, and dreams on how I wanted to grow.
I tried to have dreams. I tried to care. But something just kept telling me there was no point in dreaming. Without dreams, I had no future in this life. Not dreaming left me adrift. I just was. Life was done for me.
This was not depression. This was different. I wasn’t hopeless. I still believed that God was good and his promise of a life after this one would be wonderful. I still had that small mustard seed faith. But, I had no hope for this life.
Then, in the Spring of 2019, I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. I knew I was going to fight the intruder in my own body. Not because I wanted to live for my dreams and future, but because I could not bear to think of the pain and suffering my young children and husband would go through.
My world shrank and the focus was on treatment. My immediate plans for the future focused on surviving – chemo, radiation, multiple surgeries, and constant exhaustion. I titled that year of treatment, May 2019-August 2020, “The Year That Wasn’t”.
As I continued to move beyond that original treatment time, gaining strength and endurance, my dreams of the future returned. I began to be able to envision my children growing up, graduating, moving out of the house. The idea that I would grow old with my husband also returned as a possibility. This life was not over yet for me.
My dreams returned, slowly at first, but soon they came pouring into my imagination. So many dreams and plans that I often don’t know where to begin or which one to follow. I have hope and a future in this life again. And I am excited about each and everyone of them.
It makes me think. Did my subconscious know about the cancer long before it was discovered and stopped my dreams, since I didn’t have a future? Then, when I successfully completed treatment did it know that I could have a future again?
Personally, I believe that is what happened. I can also remember another strange thing that occurred during that same time period – a feeling of dread every time I had a doctor’s appointment. The fear that they would find something very wrong with me, that I had some deadly disease. Now, I no longer have that fear.
What do you think? Do our subconscious minds have that good of a connection to influence our dreams? Have you ever experienced something similar? I would love to hear from you.
The Nurse Writes 